Overall, I am so incredibly pleased with how this project has taken shape, progressed and concluded - especially in lieu of my personal circumstances these past few years, this year especially, and in comparison to the 501 module last year where I wasn't happy with the work I'd made, the barriers I'd faced in accessing texts and submission issues, which resulted in long-lasting anxieties around submission and self-doubt around my writing skills.
That huge pressure carried forward to this year to try and improve on the mistakes of last year, especially in terms of writing an essay, and it got to the point where I found it incredibly hard to write at all. I doubted everything I did. What could I possibly say that would match up to my sighted peers who submitted in good time and had so many organised blog posts? Coupled with my personal heartache of not having my Guide Dog for so long, and my mum struggling with isolation as a severe stroke survivor - turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms to get through the pandemic, I had given into severe depression and had a mental breakdown. I was no longer functioning properly and wanted to give up. Not just as a student. It is SO incredibly hard to pull yourself out of that negative abd dark mindset and start engaging with research, writing and designing a visual essay as well as two other modules running congruently.
The word I would use is proud. It feels wrong to use in some senses, as everyone else did this work a long time ago, without so much stress, but I suppose I do. I feel very proud of myself. No matter what happens grade-wise, I have turned things around academically and personally.
Unfortunately I also feel I huge sense of shame at how much extra time I have needed in order to get things started again, in order to start going to campus to motivate myself while things have been incredibly noisy at my accommodation. I cannot help the invasive thoughts that I am being judged for taking so long to pull myself together, however. I wish things wouldn't have gone the way they did and if I could turn back time to have a perfect, linear timeline of a life and project where time management ran perfectly alongside personal life, I would absolutely and ultimately reverse the clock.
The most valuable aspects of this module were discovering powerful case studies and learning of others' lived experiences of art as a therapy tool to work through personal issues to reach fulfilment, just like myself, as well as talking with a professional art therapist working in the field. Sowing the seeds of communication and building networks have been invaluable and knowing that I'm not alone in using art as my therapy has been very empowering. Learning the science behind how the brain works in response to trauma and why I struggle to plan, memorise and engage has been a huge eye-opener too. I always felt like there was a disconnect after the things I'd been through but attributed it to being my fault and having feelings of worthlessness.
Research came after the practical, so it didn't help to inform my outcomes but helped it make sense because of the fact. What I had done in my times of desperation when I was considering suicide started to have deeper level meaning. The mark makings, the materials I had chosen, my thoughts patterns I was expressing - all had intent behind them that I was unpicking on a psychological level, much like an art therapist, but I didn't realise that's what I was doing and that's what I needed during my crucial moments of needing relief through creativity. Only in hindsight and through research could I uncover this. I could learn of the safe space to experiment, face my trauma of cyberbullying, the anniversary of my mum's stroke, the days leading up to my retinal detachment, and express them without judgement or pressure through a range of mediums.
In 603, I would like to continue with the textural, abstract expressionist portfolio I have developed, especially with the developmental pieces around my retinal detachment back in 2018. There is a lot to explore further and there is a potential of a narrative retelling the events in a personal and meaningful way. What is retinal detachment? What is blindness? What barriers do I face? What does my vision look like? I would like to explore this through a range of canvas paintings.
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